Baby Steps

Dear God,
Today is all about baby steps. It has been one month since I have written to you on my blog. You and I both know that there have been so many more converstions since then, so many tears of anquish, despair, laughter, heartache, pain and sadness. Many prayers, praises and amens in the past months.

Long time periods of just you and me sitting together and being. That's one thing I know for sure you never ever forsake me. You are always right with me, living inside me, you care for me, you hold me, you wipe the tears from my cheeks, you even lift me into bed when my feet won't carrying me any further. You force the air into my lungs and the blood to pulse into my veins. You nurish my body when others can't. Your restore my soul. You provided me a soulmate in David. You are my lifeline. Babysteps...one two three.....

Everyday is so hard..there hasn't been one easy day yet..nothing about life is easy now..just getting out of bed, taking a shower, going to the store, paying bills, smiling, laughing, having fun. Life is about living, I seem to have forgotten how.

Yesterday wasn't easy, I love church, but being in church where we always worshipped together as a family, sitting in the pew without Bo and Lori beside me on Sunday's makes me so sad. I forget that I am there to bring glory and honor to you. It's not about me GOD it's about you. Church is to praise and worship you and for that I am sorry. Please forgive me for my selfishness. But, with Bo and Lori's earthly death there has been new growth in our church and it needed to grow so badly. Your word needs to be spread. People need to know you, to be loved by you.

After church we had a good day, it was comfortable. We laughed together with Dean, Shannon and Brooke, it wasn't forced, fake or pretend. It felt good...baby steps...one, two, three. Brooke is the type of child that warms your heart. She would have twisted Bo around her little finger in a minute or less. Instant friends those two would have been. She hugged on David and I so much that we felt your love all afternoon GOD. The blessings of her smile and laughter encourage us to know that we can go on living. That somewhere inside of us life still exists. Baby steps..one,two, three....

Today, I started on laundry and opened a tub of clothing to rewash and pass on to someone who might need them. Clothing that I have saved for 32 soon to be 33 years. Handmade baby quilts, Bo's baby booties, baby sheets my Mother made him for his bassinet, a couple of little outfits that I loved to see him in...

God, I can't do it, sorry, these items will be of better use to someone else but right now I need to hold them, smell them, touch them and be reminded that they held my child, the gift you gave me. You hold him now for that I am thankful. I would be lost completely if I didn't know where he was.

But for now GOD it's babysteps for me, holding onto baby quilts, baby pictures, memories, touching and feeling the past, carrying the memory of my child while you carry me...babysteps one, two, three....

Amen

Jeremiah:29:11"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.