HE Loves Me Even When I'm Not Lovable

Today was one of those days when I got out of bed and thought to myself "Hallelujah" it's going to be a great day ! D woke early feeling GOOD ! The sun was shining and all looked right with the world. D decided to sleep a while longer which is fine with me. I got around and decided to tackle some business matters - that was my first mistake.

It is so hard to try to manage two businesses. D was always the brains behind the operations. I just came in and did what he asked me to do. This month we have had Jim's Radio and TV 17 years and Executone 3 years. I feel so inadequate. He was the smart one that kept everything a float. He knows how to do it all. He never got the opportunity to show me how to do many of the necessary things to keep the doors open. Jeremy does the day to day operations, but now I have to learn to be an accountant, tax auditor, payroll clerk, etc.

Overwhelmed to say the least that's me. It is about the people who work there that I think about. We have become a family. They cry, hurt and care about the things that are going on in our lives. They come to our home to help fix things, they bring us food, they pray for us. They do more for us in some ways than our own familys do so yes they belong there and are important to us. It is not just a place of business it is our business.

Then there are the people who don't think I am taking care of D the right way, he sleeps to much, he should be given something to eat, why does he cough so much, and the list goes on and on. Keep it to yourself, I am doing the best I can here, don't need to hear your opinion. OKAY !!!

So today the day that I thought was going to be so BEAUTIFUL was a day that I didn't like myself. I muddled around in self-aborsed, self-pity, angry at others and disliking those who caused me pain. I don't like myself like this and neither do those around me.

Today GOD blessed this house with the sounds of laughter, Carter Dean, Ian and I managed to shoot some hoops, old friends Bev and Dave spent the day, Dr. Haws came by for a chat, D spent some time watching Ian and Carter Dean outside. A day about life...not about death at all.

After everyone left, I lay down beside D and said, "I really struggled today, got my feelings hurt and just didn't like myself much at all."

He said, "I know, I could tell it was a hard day for you. It's hard on everyone, but just remember always that I love you"

So in the future when I don't like myself or what others say or think about me I am going to reflect back to the sweetness of that moment curled into D's arms. The daylight fading and the quiet of our home beginning to settle in. The love in D's voice taking over all the chaos of my day, pushing it aside and a gentle kindness resting on my heart - " Remember always that I love you !"

That's just what my Father in Heaven says to me everytime I fall short and everytime I come close - "Remember always that I love you "