Sunday - Funeral Duty.

Tac, Ollie and I all woke up at 4 a.m. this morning crying. Each of us trying to console one another when there really is no way to comfort a loss as deep as we are feeling. How do you explain to these beautiful 4-legged companions that their D has gone to Heaven and they are stuck with ME ! They roam the house just like I do looking for pieces of him, touching and smelling his items. Searching for comfort in his belongings, his smell the very nearness of who he was. We walk over each other each one trying to find the best piece of the treasure to share with the other. Each of us lose - it is a game we will never win, but we keep trying. Then, we come together when all is quiet and we just sit together and they let me love them. I pet them, and they take it. I even let them lick my hands and I don't let animals lick me, but they need to lick for comfort so it's ok.

Today is that day, today is D and mine's favorite day of the week - Sunday - The first day of the week, the day we get to go to church and PRAISE our GOD. BUT, today is different - today when I get up I am going to leave our home for the first time since February 22nd. Today, I will get in our jeep and drive away from the home we have shared for 25 years to try to attend church without the man I have loved and shared my life with for the past 28 years. I honestly didn't know if I could do it and GOD sent me a message - my sweet sweet neighbor called just as I was struggling with getting out the door to tell me "GOD has got you wrapped in HIS arms, you are covered in prayer and even though it is hard, you are loved, cared for and protected by HIS love." It worked, I made it out the door and all the way to church, got lots of love from my church family which was what I needed to make it to my next stop the funeral home.

Today was the day that D and I had talked about, prayed about and dreaded since October 2010. It has been less than one year ago that our family set at this very same funeral home under very different circumstances. We were shell shocked, numb from everything that had transpired with Bo and Lori's death. Today we will gather much more prepared to handle the necessary details of a funeral. I have written an obituary, we picked out pictures, ordered flowers months ago, asked musicians to sing, practically adopted Daniel, selected pallbearers, picked out a casket, ordered our clothes to wear and made phone calls. It sounds like everything is covered. IT ISN'T !!

No amount of planning, praying or list making can prepare the heart for the onslaught of emotions, pain and suffering that comes from the shattering that occurs when ones life partner dies. You can pretend you are prepared but you aren't. You can put up walls, shut yourself off and shut yourself down, but the heart and soul know that when all else is said and done. When the preparations are over and everyone has gone back to their lives, you will be left sitting in the home you spent 25 years with the love of your life trying to piece the shattered pieces of your heart back together again.

GOD is good, I am humbled by the outpouring of love and support of family and friends. A loving daughter,son-in-law, grandchildren, D's family, friends, co-workers, church family, even people I have never met. Where do they come from and why? GOD provides what our heart can't comprehend and right this very minute when I can't comprehend everything that I have tried to prepare for, I am reminded that "GOD is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth" - John 4:24 - We are GOD's house and GOD can't be contained - HE is everywhere and HE is pouring HIS love out on me and those around me as we grieve D's getting to live for the first time ever.