Thursday Thunderstorms

Today my day was full of thunderstorms, they started early and went all day long. My tears fell as fast and furious as the rain outside. My grief box that had been closed tight has been threatening to burst open at any moment. With each burst of ligtening, the seams strained, the edges frayed and became weakened. The deeper the thunder the more my anxiety weakened the lock on my grief box.

Finally without any resolve left my grief waves burst the lock off my grief box and the tears flooded out. They burst forward with such force that side seams burst and my grief box became nothing but a flattened mess. No amount of grabbing, breathing, praying, wishful thinking could wrap the edges of my self induced box firmly around myself again. I failed and fall apart.

Today I missed my husband with such an extreme pain that I physically hurt. It reminded me of the pain I felt when Bo was killed but different.

It is that broken heart syndrome - all over again - the broken heart of a lover, friend, wife, partner. Today I give in the grief that I have controlled for a month - today I realize that D is not coming back and I can't pretend anymore, I can't lie to myself, I can't 'FAKE" it. My chest hurts, my heart hurts, my life hurts - I am sad - I am in pain. Today I will cry and cry and cry. I will give into my grief and begin to heal a milimeter.

It makes me wonder if all this stormy weather is GOD crying with me, HE knows my pain, HIS son died for me, D was HIS child, I am HIS child, HE hurts to see the pain I am in. HE loves me so much that HE let HIS son die for me and you.

Can you imagine the pain that HE must have experienced knowing what JESUS was going to go through for you and me? It makes my heart hurt, I cry at the thought of what Jesus did for me. Tonight I cry for many reasons, but I also cry because JESUS loved me enough to die for me.

Tonight represents the night that JESUS instructed the disciples in the Last Supper -

Because of HIM I know that I will see D again some day.

Tonight I thank GOD for letting me learn to grieve for sharing HIS tears with me. For HIS understanding, compassion and gentleness. For sending me Daniel, John, Jill, Ian and Janet to hold my hands, hug me and just let me cry when I need to.

Tonight I will pick up the remains of my grief box and throw it in the trash because from now on I am going to grieve whenever, wherever I want to, forever and however long as I want to.

Good Night All !