Real Life !

REAL LIFE

 

 

It's that time of year when realness of life walks up and slaps me in the face just to make sure that I am aware that the life I dreamed of with the people that I lived for is gone.

 

 

Real Life is a "bitch" at times, someone's husband dies, someone's grandchild dies, someone moves away, another loses their job, their home or just their will to live.  Is there any sense to any of it, why oh why do these things happen?

 

 

It is the season of great loss and extreme grief for me.  It will end again when my heart says so and not a moment before.  You can't make your mind carry you away from it for that's where all your memories are and the heart, well, the heart knows no rules.

 

 

A motorcyclist killed in an accident brings back to the front the horrific accident that killed Bo and Lori.  Every action has a reaction and then it starts.  I spiral out of the safe places and travel into the deep unending spin of grief.  It knows no boundaries, no time frame and no rules. 

 

 

Burying my only child changed everything about me, who I was then and who I am today and who I will be tomorrow.  Bo made me a better person, watching him grow up, teaching him, guiding him and yes, disappointing him over the years. 

 

He was that little extra special beat in my heart that is gone today.  It left the day he was killed and nothing can bring it back.  I used to listen to his heartbeat and try to memorize it but that sound is almost gone. 

 

 

My heart breaks for every loss that someone experiences, the knowledge that we walk the same path does not bring comfort, but more pain for you do not want anyone to live this nightmare that you are.  There are so many of us out there, we walk among you, we smile, we laugh and we carry on, but deep in side we are changed forever and you will never know the intense pain and suffering that we carry with us everyday.  I pray to God that you never do.

 

 

BUT, there is hope and joy in everyday.  The greatest gift inside of me that sustains me every breath I take, is the eternal love my Abba has for me. It is what makes me get up in the morning, it is what allows me to carry on.  GOD has promised there will be no more tears one day, no more sadness. 

 

What a great gift He has given me knowing that Bo, Lori and D are together with so many others, worshipping Him and will be there for the day I come home.

 

My pain will not end until my time on earth is done, but I will use my pain and suffering to show others the greatest light of all - His Light !  Some days it's harder than others, but everyday I am reminded of the many gifts he has given me to sustain me until such a time as I get to Heaven.

 

His love is endless, timeless, merciful, bountiful and so much more.  His love is mine !