Happy Anniversary D

Twenty-nine years ago I said "I do" to this wonderful man.  what a blessing he has always been to me.  Many years of happiness, trials, tragedies and surprises.  I so miss him.  He was every woman's dream and sometimes a nightmare.  He gave me anything my heart desired with in reason and spoiled me severely because he loved to do it.

He would surprise me with diamonds, trips, dinner or just a quiet weekend at the woods.  I would surprise him with foods I cooked, trips and being quiet when he needed it.  We were a team.  A team that moved mountains and slayed dragons.  We were lovers, best friends, confidants, supporters for one another and grief partners.  

Best of all he was a man of God, the spiritual leader of our family.  He taught me so much about helping others, praying and reading my bible.  He was the example.  Bo and Jill learned from seeing him reading his Bible daily, sharing his faith with others and spending time with the Lord.  

D was not without faults.  His temper would get the best of him sometimes and he truly disliked a dirty house.  He was not mechanical, technical or computer savvy but then again he didn't have to be.  Where he failed he knew others would shine so he went to them for those things that he couldn't do.

Today should have been one of those days where we woke up late, snuggled, made love and begin another year together as a team.  It wasn't, it was a day of quiet reflection of the past.  Today is the day that I praise God for gifting this wonderful man to me, to be my compass in the storms and my shelter from the wind.  

Today is that day when I look back and see that when D died I lost so much more than just him.  My family that once was is no more.  The father-in-law, nieces, nephews, in-laws, all the family occasions that no longer happen.  I no longer fit into the family that I once was a part of for over 30 years.  I miss D and all that came with him.  

However, today is a day to be grateful for what I had and what I have.  It is a day to thank D for making the woman I am today because without him, I would not be the woman that Danny loves and married.  I am the woman who was and is loved by two great men.  Loving one does not negate the love for the other.  They are two separate, beautiful, different loves, just as they are two totally different men.

For that Abba knew what HE was doing.  My life is blessed and with a grateful heart I praise Him and thank Him for the love that D gave to me and the beautiful memories of our marriage.

The Home That Love Built

This ole house and I have seen many things in 29 years.  It has been a good run overall.  We have seen weddings, babies, pets, parties, quiet times and over the top wild times.  There has been much laughter, joy and the greatest heartbreak of all within these walls.

This ole house was the first true home that Bo and I ever had.  It was joined with the first real family we ever knew.  D and I were married with Bo and Jill standing up with us.  Bo would grow up within these walls.  He would leave home for the Army from this front door, and it would be the doorway where we stood and said "Good Bye" to Jill each time she had to return to her mother.

This doorway was the sight of many loved ones entering and then leaving for their own homes.  People would come in as strangers would leave as friends.  We would shelter and care for those who were passing by, neighborhood boys, Army buddies of Bo's, Jill's friends and cheerleading squad from high school. This home would give Bo a safe haven after the war and the end of his military career. 

Jill would share the greatest news of the pending births of our grandsons in this home.  We would watch from our home as illness kept D's Mom from returning, holding fast to the last memories of her sitting in a lawn chair in our driveway laughing.  We would care for DePoppa and DeMomma many times in this home, doctor's appointments, illness, testing and watching with numb emotion as they were present at the notification of Bo's death.

This home would be the place where D and I battled his cancer and we said our last goodbyes.  Where we told each other the deepest, scariest, happiest and most thought provoking dreams, fears and joys of our lives.  It would be were we would sacrifice for one another, cry for each other and love the darkness away.  This home was part of our happiness.

We have weathered the happiest times, chasing the kids on Halloween, birthday parties, broken hearts of our children, holidays, dinners and celebrations of epic proportion.  Memories to many to name but each as precious as the last.

This house has seen me at my worst and loved me through it, it has provided shelter from the storms and quiet in times of great sadness. 

They say "all good things must come to an end".  D and Bo have gone ahead of me to Heaven, their need for this Home That Love Built is finished, Jill is married and has her own home with her family, her need for this brick and mortar is also gone.

Selling my home maybe difficult on my emotions and my heart, but........

My life has changed once again to the point that it is time to say good-bye to The Home That Love Built and start my new life with Danny in a new home.  We too will make a Home That Love Built and I carry all my memories with me for the remaining days of my life. 

Real Life !

REAL LIFE

 

 

It's that time of year when realness of life walks up and slaps me in the face just to make sure that I am aware that the life I dreamed of with the people that I lived for is gone.

 

 

Real Life is a "bitch" at times, someone's husband dies, someone's grandchild dies, someone moves away, another loses their job, their home or just their will to live.  Is there any sense to any of it, why oh why do these things happen?

 

 

It is the season of great loss and extreme grief for me.  It will end again when my heart says so and not a moment before.  You can't make your mind carry you away from it for that's where all your memories are and the heart, well, the heart knows no rules.

 

 

A motorcyclist killed in an accident brings back to the front the horrific accident that killed Bo and Lori.  Every action has a reaction and then it starts.  I spiral out of the safe places and travel into the deep unending spin of grief.  It knows no boundaries, no time frame and no rules. 

 

 

Burying my only child changed everything about me, who I was then and who I am today and who I will be tomorrow.  Bo made me a better person, watching him grow up, teaching him, guiding him and yes, disappointing him over the years. 

 

He was that little extra special beat in my heart that is gone today.  It left the day he was killed and nothing can bring it back.  I used to listen to his heartbeat and try to memorize it but that sound is almost gone. 

 

 

My heart breaks for every loss that someone experiences, the knowledge that we walk the same path does not bring comfort, but more pain for you do not want anyone to live this nightmare that you are.  There are so many of us out there, we walk among you, we smile, we laugh and we carry on, but deep in side we are changed forever and you will never know the intense pain and suffering that we carry with us everyday.  I pray to God that you never do.

 

 

BUT, there is hope and joy in everyday.  The greatest gift inside of me that sustains me every breath I take, is the eternal love my Abba has for me. It is what makes me get up in the morning, it is what allows me to carry on.  GOD has promised there will be no more tears one day, no more sadness. 

 

What a great gift He has given me knowing that Bo, Lori and D are together with so many others, worshipping Him and will be there for the day I come home.

 

My pain will not end until my time on earth is done, but I will use my pain and suffering to show others the greatest light of all - His Light !  Some days it's harder than others, but everyday I am reminded of the many gifts he has given me to sustain me until such a time as I get to Heaven.

 

His love is endless, timeless, merciful, bountiful and so much more.  His love is mine !

 

BoMares a Mother's PTSD

 


Bomares a Mother's PTSD

It always starts about this time of year, the visions, the son visiting his Mom in her dreams, the flashbacks, the tears and the empty heart.

Some visions and dreams are peaceful, fun and so real that I have to shake myself awake to remember that Bo is not present here, but always alive within me.  Others, make me wake up
sad, heart hurting with silent tears streaming down my face

Bomares are those visions were I am on the back of Bo's motorcycle, I see, feel and hear the impact, the heat of the explosion and the sounds of my son's last breath.  I see the life leave his body and the peace overtake the soul.  I can't get to him in time, I can't help.  I am a soul hovering above his body, crying out for him not to leave me, screaming but no sound coming, reaching, reaching to touch his face and hear him say "Momma".

I share my thoughts with you, not for sympathy, not for you to feel my pain, but for you to understand that as close as I try to walk with God, as much as I want you to see His light within me, there are days when the smiles are just a little slower, the heart hurts so much more and the pain in my eyes is real.

The faith that sustains me gets stronger with each "Bomare" because I know that my son is wrapped safely in the arms of Jesus, that he didn't suffer and that when I couldn't reach him, hold him and be there the last moment of his life - someone much greater than me was.

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A Different Kind of Christmas This Year !

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It's a different kind of Christmas this year !  There is loss all around, change happens in the quiet of the night or the rush of the day.  You can't stop it, will it away or pretend it doesn't exist.

This year as I reflect on those around me I am reminded that there are so many who will be experiencing Christmas for the first time without that someone special in their lives.

It has been five Christmas's without Bo, four without David and this is DeMomma's first without Poppa.  Many of my friends has felt the impact of the earthly death of a Mother, Father, sister, brother, cousin, friend and a few have forever been changed by the death of their child.

A different kind of Christmas for sure.  For the first time in five years, I am not sitting with my grief partner D wondering how we are going to make Christmas seem normal for our grandsons, not wondering when the cancer will take D home.  For the first time in five years, I am anticipating the birth of Christ with a renewed excitement about life.

Yes, I am one of the grateful ones.  I know where my son and husband are.   I was loved by a great man and had a beautiful no regret life together in spite of so many difficulties through out the years. My son was a quirky, love filled man who graced my life for 32 years.  I am one of the fortunate ones.

Now, I have been blessed by my Abba with a new love.  Someone to watch over me, love me and spend the rest of our lives together according to HIS plan.

As you take time to reflect on the beauty of God's grace and love, be mindful that all of us feel things differently, handle loss in our own unique ways and live to be loved.  We are GOD's children, striving to embrace our new normal, our life changes and the gift of Christ.

GOD is good all the time and all the time GOD is good.  I believe that, I love HIM for that and I live to change in HIS love.

Merry Christmas to all and to all GOD's blessings on you and yours !!!!

Life Changing Moments

There have been many life changing moments - too many to count over the past 60 years of my life and tomorrow I will begin again on a brand new journey.  I will never leave behind those of my past, those memories that have shaped me and made me the person that I am today, I will carry them into this new beginning with a greater love and compassion than ever before.

Having been loved so greatly by so many is a blessing to be shared with everyone.  I am a walking miracle of GOD.  No greater love has HE than to love one another and I am LOVED !!!

In the past few days I have found out that love is the one constant that I have in my life.  I have ALWAYS been loved.  ABBA has always loved me and through HIS love, HE has gifted to me others to show the abundance of that love. 

D loved me completely.  We were one and the same, together for over thirty years in total.  We weathered many good and bad times.  We traveled roads that many people would never survive, but it was not our love that got us through, but the love and guidance of GOD that carried us over the rough spots and lifted us into the good ones.  Without Him as the guiding force of our marriage we would have been another statistic.

Tomorrow I will be marrying a man who loves me to distraction.  Danny Layne is the surprise that Abba gifted to me when I had no idea that HE wanted me to be loved so deeply ever again.  Danny is compassionate, loving, tender and wants to spend the rest of my life with me. 

My life will once again change, but I have learned that with change comes growth and with growth comes the knowledge that you get from life what you give.  I have been given great love and therefore I am ready to return great love to those around me. 

I am blessed to becoming Mrs. Danny Layne. 

Thank you Abba for loving me enough to gift to me this amazing man.

GOD is good all the time, all the time GOD is good.

Reflection of a Military Mom

Because yesterday was Veteran's Day, I spent a great deal of time reflecting on all the Veteran's who have been in my life.  Some I appreciated, loved and others I tolerated...not because they were Veteran's, but just because.

Serving our great nation has been instilled in my family since the Civil War.  So many have served through out the years but have never effected me or taught me more than my son, he was and is the Veteran who changed my life in more ways than any other.

Being the child of a veteran, the sister of a veteran, the aunt of a veteran, the spouse of a veteran exposes you to many wonderful, difficult and heart stopping experiences. However, being the Mother of a soldier is different than any of these.  You are giving your child into a service that could result in the ultimate sacrifice.

There are so many times over the past 19 years I have been blessed to be the Mother of a Soldier.  My son wanted to be a soldier from the time he was in grade school.  It was what his heart wanted and he worked to achieve that goal. Never have I been ashamed, angry or resentful of the life he chose.  

As I sit and think about all the wonderful life experiences Bo received and earned while serving active duty and later as a Wounded Warrior, I am reminded of all the blessings that have come my way because of him.

He showed me love, respect and honor everyday he served.  He taught me tolerance, stamina, understanding and compassion for others that are different than me.  He gifted me friends who are now my family to last a lifetime and more.

He never failed to remember that as his Mother there were and are parts of war that a "Mom" has no business seeing or hearing.  He protected me from the aspects of military life he felt would be harmful to me.

There are programs for Mothers who's child has been killed in the line of duty, there are programs for spouses and children, but there are no programs for Mothers of Soldiers who died or were killed after discharge.  We make our own way, we lean on other soldiers, Veteran's groups and activities that draw us into that circle our child was in.  Why?  because once you are a part of a military family, you are family forever.  You are protected, loved and cherished in ways that unless you have experienced you will probably never understand.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss and grieve for this wonderful child of mine, but......because of him, I now more people in my life who will always care for me and love me.....

I am and always will be the Mother of a Soldier......part of our great Military Family.

BoMomma