Making Lines To Read Between

Of all the Birthdays I have celebrated with David today's was by far the strangest. Usually we loo forward to birthday's with great anticpation. A cake, a present, food, family, friends and fun. Today, no cake, no presents, no food, and certainly no fun. Well, I take that back there was fun with D there is always fun and surprises.

The morning started out with great anticipation of a beautiful birthday full of the possiblity of surprises. D awoke feeling extremely happy and healthy. He actually tried to run out of the bedroom and shut the door in my face, laughing like he was escaping from me. A shower, clean clothes and lots of shared memories was for the start of a good day. It didn't last long, but you take the good and you PRAISE GOD for those small simple things and say "THANK YOU'.

The rest of the day D spent in bed, ill. The medication makes him sick at his stomach so you give medication cocktails to try to figure out the right combination to take care of everything.

Friends and family sent beautiful balloons and flowering plants but he was to sick to even notice. Ian and Carter Dean sang "Happy Birthday" but he really wasn't interested.

Then in the quiet of the night when everyone hadgone home, when it is time to sleep, D does the same thing every night. He gets out of bed and gets in the floor. I don't know why or for what, but he just gets in the floor. Some of you are probably thinking I am crazy, but I just leave him there. It does more harm than good to try to make him move, he seems to like it there, he can't fall or hurt himself there and WHO CARES ? It's where he want's to be. After all he is 63 years old today and dying of brain cancer if he wants to sleep on the floor who in the world am I to tell him "no"

Tomorrow is another day and another adventure. I told someone our life is like living at center court in a tennis match with each ball served you never know what the next volley will bring.

As I watch him wasting away, I look for those end of life signs - thinking I am smart enough to have some sixth sense. He talks and sees dead people. He gives me instructions for how to bury him. Today he told me to put him in a big, square box and bury him deep. He gifted me to someone to take care of me after he is dead. He prepares our daughter for the possibility of me finding another someone after his death because I am "young". He gives me instructions, guidance and asks questions after questions about death. So I read between the lines thinking I can somehow determine that today is the day he is going to day.

A very smart Hospice nurse told me "We make lines to read between - stop it". She's right - GOD will determine when to call D home and there are no amount of lines that I draw that could out sketch the magnificient picture that HE has drawn for D for the journey home.

Good Night and Happy Birthday My Sweet Baboo !