An Old Blue Pillow

Today was that day, it was the day when I just wanted to stay in bed and pretend that my life had not changed at all. Every night I snuggle into D's blue pillow and tell myself this silly little poem "I'm goin snuggle with your old blue pillow and pretend I'm hugging you around your middle." Sad, but true over and over I hug that pillow pretending that I am hugging D. I cry into that pillow every night, if I get separated from it in the middle of the night I wake up, anxious and in a panic I have to have it. Like a drug addict on cocaine, it is my connection to D. I have to have it, I have to smell it, I have to hold it and touch it. It brings comfort and peace to my broken heart. It is my most prized possession and I treasure it, D slept on it every night, it's my piece of him.

I wish I could take it with me everywhere, to work, to the shop, to the grocery store. I would carry it to church, to the movies, out to dinner. I would take it to lunch because when I have it, I feel like D is right there laying on that pillow and I could touch him if I wanted to.

Lunchtime is one the of hardest times for me, D would take me to lunch almost everyday, or we had lunch together at home. So many times I reach for the phone to call or text him to see what's for lunch. If I had his blue pillow with me, it would be like having lunch together. It's my grief pillow now. It's that one tangible thing that I can hold on to.

That old blue pillow was a lot like our marriage. It is worn around the edges, it had seen younger days, but it was loved, cared for, one of his favorite things, he couldn't sleep well without it, it was the perfect thing for cradling his bad neck at night, it was a gift that he never took for granted and he loved the satin pillow case on it. The feathers in side some times would stick through the outside of the satin pillowcase and poke him, just irritating him a little kinda like me. But he loved it and me just the same.

So tonight when I try to sleep, I will hug that pillow and pretend once again that I am curled up next to my loving husband, I will pray to GOD and thank HIM for all the nights that I did get to sleep next to that wonderful man and I will thank HIM for a simple beautiful blue pillow that brings comfort and peace to a broken hearted woman trying to put the pieces of her life back together.