Air Evac Called and the Dam Burst !!!

Grief is like an onion, it comes off one layer at a time. Some layers are more potent than others, some are harder to deal with, some have a sweet smell of memories that you want to linger in the fragrance of the beauty of them. Others have a stench that make you gag at the thought. You can't turn them off fast enough, run away far enough, or hide deep enough to escape.

I prefer the sweet smelling, tender, loving, joyful memory layers of my grief. The ones that allow for the gentle flow of tear drops cascading down my cheeks that I don't realize they are falling. I hate the ones that come in buckets of tears, heartwrenching sobs, gut wrenching pain and heartbreaking knife stabbing pain. No one knows what will turn on either one of these, when they will happen or where they will occur. You can tell yourself that you are strong, you are in control and you have it covered. You don't. You are suppose to grieve. It builds up and sneeks up on you, sometimes it comes on gradually, you feel it coming on like a virus, a chill today, a fever tomorrow, a headache the next day. You push and push it down and sooner or later it is going to take over and you will have to allow GRIEF access. It won't let go until you give in and let it have it's due.

My week has been a week of surpressing grief, I feel it coming at me like that virus. It a little bacteria, slowly eating at me. I finally cleaned our bedroom to make a hangout room for the boys - virus number one - chills - day one - day 2 - fever - called the shop - phone on night mode and Bo answered - day 3 - headache - AirEvac called they got my renewal and I only renewed for one person - they wanted to know why.

GRIEF !!! The layer that has been peeling all week has finally just ripped off. The tears are just dripping, no full fledged attack yet, but it is coming and it is time. But before I give into grief tonight, I am going to take time to thank GOD that

1. The boys loved their new hang-out room. It is a place of happy memories, a place of sweet smelling memories, a place that D and I shared so much of our life together, a place that only has good memories, so any tears of grief I shed will be gentle tears of release.

2. The sound of Bo's voice is a blessing everytime I hear it. It is something that I never want to lose. It was one thing that his Dad made sure that we kept at the business no matter what because he knew how much it meant to me to hear it. It is a beautiful sweet smelling memory, when I close my eyes and listen to the sound, I am transformed back to the sweet, sweet face of my beautiful baby boy and my loving husband.

3. Air Evac reminds me of the stench of the four-wheeler wreck that almost killed D, the memories of Jill, Jeremy, Bo and D. The terrible tragedy that was not to be and the laughter of our memories over the failure of Air Evac to be able to do their job that day. Some stench turns to a sweet smell with time.

This week I have missed D's physical presence so much that my body has physicially hurt for him. GOD has held me, wiped my tears while friends have prayed for me and lifted me up to my FATHER for comfort. Someday I will be in HIS arms and look in the face of my sweet husband and son, but in the meantime I will learn to live in a world of onions, as they peel one layer at a time.