Ian has spent the last two nights with me and the joy of his company brightens every second of every day. He has a way of just looking at me, catching me at just the right moment with a little grin on his face that tells me no matter how much my heart is breaking, no matter how difficult my day might seem, I am totally loved by him. His love is unconditional, complete, without fail. It's like the love our FATHER in Heaven has for us. That's the beauty of being loved by a child it's perfect and complete. That's the beauty of GOD's love, perfect and complete.
Carter Dean and Ian have a way of letting me know that they cherish me and they love having me in their lives. They love spending time with me as much as I love spending time with them. I wish D could see the changes and the growth in them both. He would be so proud in how they take care of their Tata. I was suppose to be the one looking out for them and they turned the tables and take better care of me than I do of them sometimes.
Today I went to the cemetery to check on D's gravesite. I usually go on Sunday's after church, but it was raining again so I saved my visit for today. It is such a beautiful, peaceful place. You can go there and spend some great quiet time with yourself, GOD and anyone you want. I do lots of talking. I go up there so much before long the cows may start talking back.
It just brings home again how real the physicial separation from D is. I can stay as busy as I want, I can work hard, pray hard, and try hard to get around it, but the reality is he is dead. He died March 18, 2010 at 4:50 p.m. and I won't see him again until I go to Heaven whenever that happens. Most days I handle it pretty well, GOD really gives me the strength I need and the people in my life to help.
But sometimes something as simple as a televsion show sets the grief wave rolling and I have to ride the wave till its over. Tonight believe it or not it was the Biggest Loser. I was watching the makeover edition and when the beautiful girl walked out to her husband and he just held her, I cried and cried. He told her how beautiful she looked and how much he loved her.
To just hear those words, to hear D tell me how much he loved me and how beautiful he thought I was. He was so good at that, he always made me feel beautiful no matter how much I weighed or how bad I thought I looked. To him I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He was the most amazing man in the world to me. The best of the best.
My heart broke just a little more at that beautiful scene on the tv and for a minute I had a pity party because my prince charming isn't here to see me, to hold me, to love me and to tell me how beautiful I am and that he loves me more than anyone else in the whole wide world.
So tonight when I close my eyes and thank GOD for all my blessings I will thank HIM for gifting D to me for all those years, for the way that D made me feel special, loved and beautiful. I will thank GOD for the beauty and the magic of the love that D and I have that lives on in my heart. I will thank GOD that even though I can't hear the words out loud, I can feel the words in my soul. I will continue to praise GOD for letting me know our loves lives on.
One thing for sure is that I will always be the most beautiful woman in the world because how could I possibly be anything less when I have been loved by the most wonderful man in the world. My D.
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