A Place of Calm In the Midst of a Storm

It was another on of those days in a long line of days when I have been struggling with a massive wave of grief. This is the worst one and longest period of intense grief and pain that has just hung on. I can't shake it. I can't stuff enough into the wounds to stop the flow of blood pouring from my wounds I am bleeding so fast. It is so strange, I feel normal, I look pretty normal(I know that is questionable), but for all intentional purposes, I am a pretty reasonable and fairly normal person except for this grief wave I am riding right now. I talk to my grief partners and they express similar feelings, but don't have the compounded grief I am experiencing so they try to understand but say that they can't.

Somedays I don't want to leave our home and other days I can't get out of here fast enough. I walk aimlessly around in stores, touching yet not seeing. I fill out paperwork for the business and then leave it to lay incomplete because I can't seem to finish a task. It's like I am waiting for something, but what...what is it I am searching for, waiting for, listening for..I know...in my heart I know and they aren't coming back in this lifetime.

Someday I am going to have to finish those papers, make those phone calls, complete a task and make a decision. Life has to go on, I have to continue living, I have to breathe, I have to be how ever that is to be. Grief is hard !!!

Today I needed a place of calm in the midst of a storm and I found it. There is peace my place I have two of them - One in Fayetteville and one in Springdale - Today I found the calm of being in one during a storm -

The cemetery, a calm, serenity enters your soul as you sit at the gravesite of a loved one during a storm. Lightening flashes throughout the sky, thunder crashing around you, raindrops pelleting the roof of your vehicle, waters streams down the windows and the tombstones begin to take on different shades as they pick up the moisture from the rain. Some pick up black streaks others turn gray, many appear ghost like from a distance. The water pools in the lower areas of the cememtery and the flags cline to the poles to damp to move against the winds. All I hear is the sound of the rain,the distant thunder and the sound of my own heartbeat.

I hold D's picture in one hand, walk to Bo's grave and stand in the rain, all the time talking to GOD. I talk and I talk to GOD. HE and I cry together. Every raindrop that falls on me are teardrops from HEAVEN, GOD is crying with me because HE feels my pain. I am HIS child and when I hurt HE hurts for me. He and I are crying together, and I so feel HIS love for me with every difficult breath I take.

Standing in the rain looking at D's face I can almost hear him say " I love you, but you have to find a way to get thru this. I'm here, Bo's here and GOD has never left you. Lean on HIM, HE will get you thru this."

I feel like GOD is trying to tell me something and I can't get quiet enough, still enough or listen intently enough to hear what it is HE is saying.

Don't feel sorry for me. That's not what this is about. This blog is my therapy, it is to help others if possible, but mainly to help me help myself. If you want to do anything for me pray for me. Pray that whatever it is that GOD is trying to tell me I will be able to hear. Pray that I will be able to let others see HIS light in me. Pray that I will be strong and be a witness for HIM. BUT DON'T PITY ME OR FEEL SORRY FOR ME !

PRAY FOR ME !!!!