Where Do I Fit In?

Psalm 139 tells us that GOD made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. HE watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. HE saw me before I was born. Every day of my life is recorded in HIS book. Every moment is laid out before a single day had passed.

What does that mean to you? How do you feel about the fact that GOD knew you before your parents even knew you were going to be created. HE knew you were going to be gifted to them, HE knew what HE was making you for and where you would be born and to whom you would be born.

It amazes me the expanse of HIS love, the choices HE made for me. Why did I end up with the parents I did, why did I end up being born when and where I did, why did HE chose to pick that day and that year, that exact time and minute for me to be born? HIS plan is perfect and HIS reasons are HIS and HIS alone. But the choices HE made for me make me unique, different and at times separate from the others.

At one time I fit into this beautiful family that GOD chose for me. It is an amazing group of an older brother, older sister, younger brother, younger sister. Smack dab in the middle but it wasn't always like that. I was the baby for years and the second family came along I got to be the big sister to the last little family. So I have had a taste of being baby, oldest and now the middle child. They are titles used to describe what people think of me.

My siblings are like other family's siblings, we are just normal people living normal lives doing normal things. Nothing unusal about any of us, no Rhodes Scholars, no Nobel Peace recipients,no murderers, just every day folks getting along the best way we know how.

Some where along the way I fell out of the fitting in - it's not their fault, it is no reflection on them, it's me. You see I don't fit in anywhere right now. It's just who I'm not ! It's hard to explain, but I look at this amazing family that GOD gifted me into and I feel like an outsider, but then I feel that way everywhere now days.

This is my first family I belonged to them once, D, Bo and Jill are my second family. They made me who I was till D and Bo died. Now I am trying to find that new normal - somewhere to "fit" in. To feel like I belong. Some where that I can not just feel like I am standing on the outside looking in, but that when I look I can really see.

I believe that just as GOD knit me together in my mother's womb HE will knit together my broken heart and someday I will "fit" in somewhere again. That I will no longer stand on the sidelines and not be able to feel anything, that I will be able to once again participate in the game of life.