Seven Long Days

It has been seven count them I have seven long days since my last blog. I have missed coming to this place and writing down my thoughts and feelings. There has been much that has happened in those seven days, many things that I have held close in my heart, many things that I have shared with others and many things that only GOD and I have talked about.

My life has been upside down these past seven days, I have hurt peoples feelings with good intentions, I have cried with every thought that has crossed my mind and I have laughed when I shouldn't have.

I have gone thru the emotions and actions of being a living, breathing, functioning, socially contributing human being buttttttttt, I am not. Some days are better than others, some nights are harder than others.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't reach for the phone to call D to tell him something or try to text Bo a message. I swam at night for the first time last week. It was one of D and I's FAVORITE things to do. Thought I would drown in the emotions and memories, they were wonderful, they made me laugh, cry, and totally weighed me down with happiness and the sadness of what I don't have anymore.

The mail, oh how I love to get mail but last week I received an envelope from a person whose last name is Benish - that's the name of the man who killed Bo and Lori. Anxiety, fear, dread, tears, sadness, frustration came over me. I became physically ill - now going to the mailbox is something I dread and yet the mail was for a joyous event a wedding shower for someone I really like. But now, I have associated mail and this person with sadness. STUPID, silly and yet totally acceptable in my grief world.

Father's Day - I watched my child grieve for her loss, a grief and pain so intense that my heart broke again into a thousand million pieces. A Daddy's girl who is trying to grasp the reality of living without her Daddy. The harsh cruel words of "Do-Gooders" and those who mean well, cutting into a deep wound only to make it hurt more. Her tears flow easily, freely and rapidly as she pours her heart out about her life without her Daddy. She is surrounded by her husband and two amazing wonderful children that strive to hold onto her and complete her world. She knows she is blessed and she looks for ways to make that enough, but just like me, you still miss what you once had.

I have come to the realization that I can't make my life about Jill and the boys, it is not fair to her and them that just because they are all that I feel I have left in my life they aren't. I have to allow her to be free to live, breath and grow her family without killing her in the process. She can not replace all that I have lost, she can't take their place she deserves her on special spot just for her.

We talk in depth about these feelings she and I - how hard it is and how torn she is at times. We are a family bound by love not blood - a family bound by GOD's grace and mercy - not DNA - a family that knows when everything feels like it is falling apart all we have to do is look around and the other one is there with their arms open wide so you have a safe place to run to. We are a family that will be strong enough to grieve together or apart, a family that will allow each other exactly what we need when we need it without fear of failure, pain or hurt because, we are a family guided by the hands of GOD - with HIM as our Director, this play is going to be the longest running event in history.