Why, well I guess the song title tells it all or does it. Not really, yesterday a very dear friend came to see me. So concerned and wrapped in love for me that their heart is breaking. This person absolutely has only my best interest at heart, nothing but. They want me to start living again, to put the pieces of my life back together and get on with my life.
They knew D and Bo very well and loved both of them. They miss them too, and they read me the riot act things I probably needed to hear out loud, things I have said to myself but it's not that easy and this person knows it but they are just trying to help.
GOD sent our friend to me yesterday because this was the same conversation GOD and I had had just before church, during church and after church. It is a conversation that I have had with HIM many many days since D's death. Where do I go from here?My life has always centered around my family -Bo, then D, Bo and Jill, then back to D, then Ian and Carter Dean were included. My life didn't really begin until I had Bo and it never was truly complete until we met and married D and Jill and became a family.
I am no longer defined by my family. I am no longer in the the wife, mother mode, caregiver, helpmate, soulmate, partner mode-(and I say this proudly) the servant mode. These were just part of who I was, but they made up most of me. I love being a servant of GOD to my family, I feel that is who HE chose me to be, but now I am lost and a drift, waiting for HIM to guide me to the next course HE has chosen for me. I pray and pray and wait and wait.
My friend wants me to live, to do something that makes me happy. When they asked me what made me happy - I cried - taking care of D, Bo, Jill and the boys makes me happy. D and Bo defintely and in better hands than mine. Jill takes amazing care of her boys, she and I couldn't be closer, but I still need more. I am not happy - but as I have said happiness is an emotion, it comes and goes - it's my joy that is in pain and that's because of my grief - my joy has not left me because it comes from the Holy Spirit! He will ever leave nor forsake me. The Holy Spirit saves me when I can't save myself.
What will it take to make me happy, to live again? I don't know. Prayer, time, love and lots and lots of guidance from above.
Right now I don't know how to live. I don't know how to be happy. This is new for me and it sucks no other way around it. The three things in my life that make me happy are Jill, Ian and Carter Dean
. In a nut shell, I would swallow them up and eat them whole if I thought it would help, but I can't smother them because of my grief and pain. I have to love them as they need to be loved, support their needs and squeeze them every chance I get.
GOD will sustain me, HE will open the right door and HE will teach me to live - one day at a time - one breath at a time - one heartbeat at a time - always in a way that is pleasing to HIM because that is the only way it will be pleasing to me.
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