Check Out !

It's Friday night check out-sound like something you have hear before. Well, I tried it tonight, not to successful, but not to far from success either. I managed about 95 % success I would say.

Today my family left on vacation without me. That was hard to see, but I sucked up and sent them on their way. Their lives do not surround me, encompass me or envelope me, they are a family that on occassion includes me. They need their time without me, to embrace each other, enjoy one another and make those precious memories that families make - just like D, Bo, Jill and I made.

Today I checked out - at 5 o'clock I came home and did the things that D I always did on most Friday nights. A martini, a float in the pool and grilling on the BBQue. It wasn't the same, this new normal 'SUCKS' - sorry but it does. Try as hard as I try I just can't seem to fit the pieces together, the martini tasted so bad I threw it down the kitchen sink, I sent some really silly videos to the family to make them think I was "okay", and I floated till I thought I would turn into a prune.

The week-ends are the hardest I think, no matter how hard I try to "check - out" the reality of it is my main man has had his HEAVEN date, I have an empty lonely house and somedays are just harder than others.

Tonight I long for the sounds of D's voice calling to me from the pool "come on down and swim with me" What I wouldn't give for just one more time to hear his voice, one more day, one more touch. I look at his picture and I stroke his face, remembering, wishing, longing for the gentleness of my giant, the love of my man, the warmth of my precious, precious sweetheart. Tonight I'll sleep with my heartache, my memories and the joy of having been loved and being loved by such an amazing man.

Why would I want to check out when I have so much to check in to ?