Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder what would D and Bo think if they could see me now? Would they be as disappointed in me as I am in myself sometimes, would they be sad to see the person I can't seem to be, would they wonder about what's going to happen to me... sometimes I wonder what would they think and then I cry, because I wonder about the person I am today and the person I was yesterday.

This isn't a pity party blog, this is just a blog about my feelings and some of the struggles I experience day to day. I have a wonderful friend who is a doctor, I see him three times a week because I work for him. He talks to me about these things and reassures me that there are no easy answers, that no one has the answers and just allows me to heal as I need to heal.

Sometimes I get mad at the people who throw those sappy sayings out "It will get better with time", "I know how you feel", "you just need to not push yourself", "lean on GOD, HE will help you." I know they mean well and they just really don't know what to say, but one thing I have always known is that GOD is with me, HE does help me and HE sure won't leave me and the other thing I know for sure is YOU don't know how I feel and I pray that you never do.

D told me night after night how strong I was and how he knew that I would be okay after he died, that I could go on and it would be hard, but he knew I could. Would he be so dissappointed that I still cry so many nights for him.

Night terrors rob my sleep as I travel that road on an motorcycle behind Bo, watching an accident occur that I was never in. Visions of an accident haunt my memories as I watch that accident that robbed me of the life of my only son. I struggle just to remember what day of the week it is and where I am suppose to be sometimes.

I know I am not going crazy, I go to support groups and talk to other women and men who also belong to this elite and terrible club, we all experience these symptons, we all suffer and someday it's true with time and GOD's grace we will find life more bearable.

There are days I think I am going to be normal again, and there are days when I don't know if I will ever, ever stop hurting. There are days I am worn out from the pain in my chest and the tightness in my throat. There are days when I am afraid to lay my head on my pillow for fear of what my dreams will bring.

But there are never ever days that I don't rejoice and thank GOD for the life that HE has given me. I rejoice and praise HIS holy name for the blessing for all the wonderful years that HE gifted D and Bo to me, I sing songs, dance and shout in the midst of my sadness of the great goodness of my FATHER for without HIS beauty and gifts I would never have known what it is to have been fully loved and cherished by a man and I would never have been called Mom. GOD is good and HE blessed me with so much I have to believe with all that I am that HIS plan for me is GREATER that any pain I might imagine I am feeling.