Grief Waves

You never know what will trigger the moment, you never know if it will bring you to your knees, if it will take your breath, bring a smile to your lips or tears to your eyes. If you will be able to take a step or stop you in your tracks. You never know how long the moments will last or what will come from them, but you learn to lean into them and ride the journey, to embrace the moment, if not when it hits you full force the shear impact at times is just to much for a mortal of any strength of courage or faith.

Today, standing in D's shower getting ready for work, normal day, normal routine, washing my hair, eyes closed praying for my friends and family when it hits, memories, events, the catastrophic circle of life changing moments cascades over so quickly that I am taken back in a flash to Bo's funeral - why? Why today and why now? There is a war zone going off in my head, one moment, flashes of images going so fast the reel spins out of control, sounds so loud the shower seems to be vibrating. I am paralized and can not move. Tears gently fall on my face yet I don't even realize I'm crying.

It had simple started with seeing D standing beside me in this very shower washing my hair, something he loved to do and the next moment he is standing beside me holding me as he tries to help me down the aisle of the church to say goodbye to our son. The flag on the coffin, the corner turned up, I see my hand reaching forward to unfold it so it looked perfect. Pushing Bo's lifeless body out of that church to go to his final resting site. I see myself slowly walking around Bo's casket, counting my steps in my head, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven - GOD's perfect number - around I went 3 times....I would have kept walking and walking but I remember someone telling me it was time to go....why I don't know...the scene stops, I am back in the shower, I'm still breathing, D is not here, the sounds quiet.

What does one have to do to with the other us ask? Grief does that, it ties all your memories together and throws them at your like a championship tennis match volley after volley, one ace after another until you think your almost out of the match. Then all of a sudden when I need him most GOD steps in and begins singing to me with a song " Healing Rain falling down. "

HE is healing me, one step at a time,, I will continue to have days, moments and weeks like this as will so many others. With GOD's continue grace, love and the support of those around me I am constantly washed in Healing Rain.