I'm Not Asking For You To Feel Sorry For Me

It has started once yet once again, where, why, I don't know.  Was it the swing set sitting by the road that brought flashes of a blond headed 4 year old in a blue coat, smiling, happy, laughing and reaching for the sky?  Was it the drive to Lowell passing the place where D and I used to have that fantastic lunch when we had a shop there?  Was it the email from Lori or the phone call for Bo?  Is it sitting in D's chair at his desk day after day.  Is it the comments and questions CD and Ian ask about Uncle Bo and Papaw?  Was it the wonderful surprise lunch with Hale and Theo?  What caused the anxiety attack at the grocery store today?  I haven't had one of those in a long time.

After Bo and Lori died I couldn't buy groceries, then I basically quite buying groceries and now I just don't care.  But today just as the sun slowly sets and day turns into night, the grips of grief have grasped my soul once again.  I can't breath, my heart is squeezed so tightly that it hurts, my throat closes, the tears flow freely from my eyes, I force myself to breath slowly like I would tell an injured child, I clasp my hands bow my head and and then in the aisle of the store I cry out to my Father. "Oh My GOD, save me in this moment, just get me out of here, protect me guide my feet and on the wings of an angel show me what to do."

With blinded eyes HE guides me, I make a fast purchase not even sure what I have bought, tears still streaming down my face, my breathing rapid, the cashier smiles and says without emotion or feeling "Have a nice day !" I rush out the door, to the jeep where I collapse and fall apart.  Grief is not pretty, grief is never ending, grief can at times be all consuming.

 Grief is my sometimes companion, my friend, my monster under the bed, my unknown abyss that sometimes swallows me attempting to eat me whole but........GOD is my CONSTANT COMPANION, MY BEST FRIEND, MY MONSTER SLAYER AND THE LIGHT THE PULLS ME FROM THE ABYSS EVERYTIME.

The loss of a child crushes the very essence of who a parent is, GOD knows that first hand, the loss of a partner destroys the concept of who you once were, GOD wants to redefine me to who HE wants me to be.

Learning a new normal is not easy but :
DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR US OR PITY US !!! just understand that we might look like we're doing okay but remember your friends who have had a loss and pray for them, embrace them and cherish them.... it is never over for them no matter how long or short a time frame it has been.