The Box !

Today was that day, I knew it would happen just didn't expect it to come so soon. Everybody has a box. Some are small, some are bold, some are small print, some are barely visible, but everyone has one you just have to know where to look. Today 6 days after D died I didn't want to look but I had to.

Ever since last Friday, I find myself folding myself into a little box. Tucking my emotions into the four corners of the box. Hiding in those corners, closing the edges of the folds around me to protect myself. When I feel the lid starting to pop open up and the emotions begin to spill out, I reach up and pull the lid back down on my box, tightly closing in all my fears, pain, sadness and loss. I hurt so bad ! Staying busy, going through all the details of the day trying to not think or feel, escaping the reality of life. Then someone or something touches the edges of my box and a piece of me escapes, a tear drops, my heart aches and I think I will fall apart. Rushing to pull the lid back down and slam the world out once more.

What is the proper way to grieve? Who is right or wrong? Should you open your box and let the emotions flood out like the opening of a damns flood gate or hold them in check until such a time you feel you can deal with the loss. I don't know. What I do know is that having to check the box of widow on the form at the dentist office today almost opened my grief box. It almost tore the lid off completely and caused my emotions to be unleashed in a place and at a time that I was not prepared for.

The goodness, mercy,kindness and prayer coverage of my family and friends with the love of my Heavenly FATHER sustains and carries me through until the time that HE knows I am ready to gently and carefully unwrap my grief box. At that time, I will carefully oh so carefully and tenderly unfold the edges of my grief box and open the lid. Pulling back the edges of the lid, peeling back the layers of my pain and opening up to the healing that GOD has to offer me. Until the time the HE knows I am ready I will take a deep breath, close my eyes and pray I hit close to the box when I check the widow next time I fill out a form.