Struggling to Survive

This week I have struggled so much just to survive. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since D died and it feels like I have been without him forever. I need him so much to answer my questions, to guide me, to love me, to touch me, to wake up with me, to pray with me, to smile at me, to correct me, to take me to lunch, just to be with me. We started everyday with reading our Bible together and a prayer. I still do it's just different.

We went to bed every night with a prayer and a kiss, I still pray but there is no one to kiss me good night. I remember the last real kiss he gave me. It was beautiful. He was sitting on the side of the hospital bed with his arms around me holding he, he gently took my face between his hands and pulled me to his face and kissed me softly on the lips. Sweet, gentle, loving kiss I carry the memory of that to bed with at night and tell him and GOD goodnight.

I have struggled to be normal, to keep my life normal but I am anything but normal. I am struggling to breath, to make the right decisions regarding our business, our finances, our life. I am just struggling and then right in the middle of all the garbage, life issues and bills that have to be paid I discover that somehow someone has stolen money out of my grandsons savings account that he and I set up years ago. I am so angry and hurt I could vomit!!!!! Who does these things - they left 5 cents in the account. No one has access to the account but Ian and I - there are no checks, no passwords, no cards, no pin#'s - I just don't know. But, believe you me I feel the need to be angry about something and I guess this is it !

My husband has just died, our only son was killed by a reckless driver for the grand value of $72.50, Lori another $72.50 and now Ian's savings account has been cleaned out. We have been saving a little money every year for him, it wasn't much, but it was his. I guess after fighting to pay taxes all day, fighting to make payroll for 2 business', trying to pay bills and just keep my head above water one day at a time I didn't need this BUT - - - - - - -

A very wise woman told me 'GOD does lead you into deep water to watch you drown"
I love that - something good is gonna come out of all of this - my glass is half full(not going to tell you what's in it - tee hee) but really even though I have struggled so much this week, I also have been so blessed and that is what I have to focus on:
There were phone calls from friends, there was money to pay the bills, there was food in the frig, I got off the couch, dinner with friends, sweet dreams, the list goes on and on.

So I guess I will take a few deep breaths, talk to GOD about all this stuff again and then the bank in the morning. That's what all those people are there for - to help. Guess the person who stole the money needed it real bad and when I pray the Psalms tomorrow, I will be thinking about them. GOD will take care of everything HE's done a pretty good job so far.