Stormy Nights and Bills

Stormy nights, weather watch, storm chasers and bill paying. It all fits, I feel like I am in the eye of the storm as I try again for one more week to figure out how to stretch the all mighty small dollar to pay the larger than life bills for two businesses and the payroll for the employees. I pray over every bill and every check that I write, praying for D's wisdom and book smarts - how did he do it all these years. He was such an amazing man - I miss him so much for more than just paying bills, but boy do I wish he was here to tell me what to do !!

It's times like these I really question myself and my strengths, my talents, my abilities and then there GOD smiles down on me and whispers in my ear"just believe in me my child, I'll take care of you" and HE does. It all works out.

The hot water heater went out at our home today, D knew just what to do, who we bought it from, where to call and the next step. I can do these things, but it just shows me how much I truly relied on him for his strengths. I called my wonderful adopted son and he came over in a flash, tired to fix it, but serviceman will be here tomorrow. It's not that I can't, it's just that it makes me miss D all the more.

Thunderstorms make me miss Bo, he was scared to death of them and D always let him curl up with him in bed when he was little. He never made fun of him, he just loved him through the fear. So tonight I am in my grief box, crying for myself, but it's ok because that's what people who have compounded grief do, that's what people who love and miss their loved ones do, they cry and they remember. That's what I want to do tonight and therefore I am going to do it.

Don't feel sorry for me, I have a beautiful daughter who loves me and called to make sure I am ok, I am not alone - GOD is always with me, I have my Jill, my boys, my friends, my family and so much, but tonight I chose to miss D and mourn my loss.

Tonight I will thank GOD that the bills are paid, the house is safe and secure, the animals are protected, Bo never has to be afraid of another storm, he can still curl up beside his Dad tonight if he wants. I will thank GOD for my beautiful daughter and grandsons and the wonderful life I have. My grief box is closed, the tears are off for now and the love I have for my wonderful husband is just intensified and grows even in his earthly absence. Thank you Jesus for sharing him with me for as long as you did. Amen !