This Is So Much Harder Than I Thought

Three weeks - This is so much harder than I thought. It doesn't seem to get easier, it actually seems to get harder. I go thru the motions of everyday life, I try to live like everyone else does but I am so DIFFERENT ! I breathe different, I look different, I walk different, I talk different, I laugh different, I live different ---- I am DIFFERENT !!!! I stand in front of the mirror and look back at my reflection wondering who is that person I am seeing. The sadness in my eyes goes all the way to my soul. The lost, lonely, pain filled depth of my loss if evident every time I see myself.

There is not a second of my life that is not consumed with thoughts of D and our life together. There are moments of grieving for him and Bo - wrapped with trying to live and rejoice with the life that I am blessed to remain here to live. I just read a book called "Heaven is for Real" I never doubted it. I know that D and Bo are living a perfect wonderful life in Heaven with Jesus. For that I am thankful and blessed to know where they are. But, it doesn't make the separation from them any easier.

Today, I spent all day working on the yard, tomorrow it's up and off to the cabin to mow, put out tick granules, clean up and do all the things that D and I did together. It's not the amount of work that has to be done that is the issue, it's the loss of my person. We did everything together, even yard work and now it's Tac, Ollie and I. Let me tell you they are no help when it comes to racking leaves. I just miss hearing his voice, seeing him, watching him get frustrated at all the stuff we have to do, having him make the decision on the right kind of stuff to buy and him buying it. I miss riding in the jeep with him, having a drink on the deck after we got through with all the work. I just miss hearing the sound of his heartbeat. I just miss D !

So tonight, I will again cry myself to sleep, pray to my Saviour and thank HIM for loving me enough to be here to hold me as I sleep. Tomorrow the sun will shine, I will once more praise GOD for my blessings and the memory of D. I will glorify GOD in all that I do so that I if by chance GOD ever let's D and Bo look to see me they will know that while my heart is broken and life is hard, I am loved, cared for and blessed by my wonderful family and friends.

GOD is so good to me to never turn HIS back on me and to always always hold me and love me. HE never fails me even when I am weak !