Up On The Mountaintop

It seems funny to take a trip to a mountaintop to find yourself, but that's what I did. I have seemed lost and misplaced this past week. A ship without a compass drifting in a ocean of waves that toss me from one side to the other never knowing where I am going to end up nor caring.

My journey is I believe to grieve and cry, to feel the pain of the loss that has transformed my life for so many months now. GOD has something else in store for me, many blessings, many surprises, much happiness and needed rest.

At the cabin, I put on D's clothes attempting to morph myself into him, I begin the chores we always did together talking to Ollie all the time. Ollie senses something is different and won't leave myside. He searches for D but can't find him and is confused by why we are here without him. I sit two chairs on the deck as always - somethings are meant to be the same.

Memories come flooding in so rapidly that my head hurts, my chest hurts, I can't breath and I actually feels physically ill. I pray and GOD stills my beating heart. D is here in his favorite place with me and Ollie. How do I know, I feel his presence with every nerve fiber of my body.

Ollie and I walk down the path and there along the trail is a perfectly shaped letter "L" on the left side I know what's coming next, on the right is the letter "O" carved in the rock of the mountain, I stumble and as I look at what I tripped on it is a branch in the shape of a "V" and then I see it the most beautiful fallen tree with outstreched arms in the letter "E". It is gorgeous, it is reaching out to embrace me, hold me and let me know that I am loved. I have a seat in the arms of this tree and I just am. I sit for hours just letting the memories of our life on Bibb Mountain carry into happiness and joy.

D bought this cabin for me but it became his place. His place closest to Heaven. I slept for the first time in months here, peaceful, dreamless sleep. The memories of D and Bo didn't haunt me. My soul rested, I didn't cry here because the memories we made here as a couple were only happy memories. The memories D and Bo made here as a father and son were fun and silly. The memories we made here as a family are special.

My trip to the mountaintop revealed much to me and then again left much unanswered-D and I had a beautiful marriage, it was in no way perfect, but we were one in the same in many ways. We enjoyed the same things, we shared our fears, our failures, our children, our joys, our faith and our love.

When I left, I cried because there is no one who will ever love that place as much as D did, there is no one who will ever embrace those woods the way he did. When he died that part of our life ended and that made me sad all those memories sustain me but the reality of what is lost is heartbreaking. That is what death does- death causes change !!!!