Things I Don't Want To Remember

It's been SIXTEEN months today that D got his Heaven date - When I see this picture, I don't want to remember this was the day that I found out the truth.  This was the day that I lived with the truth that I hide from everyone, this was the day that I was determined to make the rest of whatever days he had left the best I could for him and our family.

Life changes in an instant, in a flash.  You think you have it all together, the plans, the dreams, the goals...well it doesn't work that way..  Things change and reality slips in and bites you in the butt.  Cancer strikes, accidents happen, some of us live, some of us die.  Someof us embrace the changes and some just wither away.

Sixteen months have changed me, they have brought me no where near full circle.  GOD is working within me second by second.  I take one step forward and think I have learned something HE wants me to only to realize I messed that up and have to start again.  Sixteen months I am walking in a different normal yet so much is the same.  I am still Mrs. David Bibb, I still wear my wedding ring, I still think of myself as married.  Sixteen months I still want to race home and tell him something, call him on the phone, have him hold me so I can cry.  His toothbrush and razor still sit in his bathroom, his clothes still hang is his closet.  Sixteen months and that's all that's left in the house.  A few possessions.

I don't want to remember that D would be angry with me for not gifting his items to others because they could use them, me, I not ready yet.  Maybe I will never be ready, maybe they will rot on the hangers or maybe one day I will wake up and box them up and gift them away.  It's up to me and no one else.  It's only been sixteen months. 

I don't want the remember that this year I will file single taxes for the first time in over twenty-five years, that I receive Christmas cards with just my name on them.  That people no longer see me as David and Jannie but just Jannie.  I don't want to remember that every Sunday the spot where D sits is empty.  A void that will never be filled, an empty spot that reminds me of all the wonderful times we worshiped together.  I don't want to remember that sixteen months ago the love of my life told me his was ready to go home but he wanted me to take him and I couldn't.

I am just going to spend the day remembering that sixteen months ago, I loved my husband all the way to Heaven where I will see him again someday when it is my time.  What a joyous day that will be when Jesus meets me and brings D to welcome me home.