Somewhere Between Pride and Pain

Yesterday I was caught somewhere between pride and pain.  It was one of those places where your heartbeats and you can't believe it remembers how, your breath catches in your throat, you want to cry out in pain but your afraid if the world heard the anguish in the sound of your voice they would run for fear of theirs lives.  It was a place you can get lost in, sometimes a place of no return.

Then there is that other place where you stand in awe of the beauty around you, the grace of those gifting their love of their fallen countrymen, a person they don't even know.  Taking time out of their daily lives, no pay, no rewards, only sacrifices from their daily lives to come and stand at attention to honor a fallen hero.

Yes, I stand with them in AWE remembering that the very reason I am with them is the pain that brought me here to this spot.  Without Bo, I would never have known these wonderfully, beautiful, unselfish people.  Bo convinced me to join the Patriot Guard with him, he was so proud of what they stood for, so proud to be a true American Patriot, so proud to stand in a flag line.  I joined believing as he did that it is an honorable organization, but never knowing the full impact they would have on my life.

As I stood there yesterday honoring my brother-in-law's best friend Bear, with Bo's grave visible from the corner of my eye I am transformed to the day we laid him to rest.  I can hear nothing of today's ceremony, I only see and hear things I had forgotten of that day.  It takes 7 Momma steps around each side of Bo's casket, I see Keith standing to the left of the podium, I feel someone in the chair with me but don't remember who it was, I see Carter Dean at the gates waving his flag, visions, I feel D holding me, I'm wearing his coat but I'm still cold, BOOM !!! I'm back -

The Honor Guard has fired their shots and brought me back the memories rush so fast that I feel my brain snap, memories pressed back for another day and time.

 After the funeral, I see my brother-in-law grieving, my friend Chris grieving, Kei grieving we are all bound by the loss of our sons - Kei and I sit at Bo's gravesite and talk about life without our only son's - about who we are now - how we survive - how we are so different - how most people don't get - but one of the things that we have in common besides our grief is our pride in being part of the Patriot Guards.  They accept us, love us and cherish us - no mask necessary here, hugs welcomed, tears allowed, no questions asked.

Without Bo I would never have known such beautiful, gifted and giving people.  I'm thankful to have them in my life because they accept me when I need to grieve, they raise Bo's flag at every occasion, they let me talk about him when others are uncomfortable even if they didn't know him, they wipe my tears, they make me laugh, best of all they understand the pride and the pain.