He Is My Child Forever !

Each day you wake up and do not think today is the day the pain hits me between the eyes and takes my breath away.  Today is going to be the day that life stops and ask me to count again all the ways I loved my child, all the ways I was a good parent, today is the day I have to justify who I am and why he called me Momma.  No, you wake up, the sun shines and you breathe, your heart beats and you think today is going to be a normal day....then all of a sudden something or someone comes along and that pain hits you and it's here all over again.

I grieve everyday of my life since April 3rd, 2010 for my only son.  We had a very difficult start in life, one that he almost didn't make.  The fact he was the only child I could have made the bond even tighter.  He was such a part of who I am as a person.  We were connected from the time GOD knitted him in my womb.  I remember the number of near death experiences over the years and how very close and painful they were.    I remember the sound of his heartbeat before he left for Iraq, I would put my ear to his chest and just listen trying to memorize it, never ever wanting to forget. The nights of the bombings and him calling home just to hear the sound of our voice and our love.

My memories run deep, my love would fill the Grand Canyon to infinity over.  Watching him, sharing his hardships, his pains, his dreams, listening to all of it good and bad.  Today, in the quietness of the day, I have to justify once again that I am his only Mother.  There was never one day, one second, one moment in his life that he ever questions who was in his corner.  He always knew his Mom was there no matter what.  He never doubted if push came to shove Momma was the one who would be there to stand in front, beside or watching his back.

We never doubted each other.  We may not have always agreed on everything but, I cherish the fact that no matter what happened, no matter where life led him, my son always knew he had a Mother that was there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week from the second he was concieved and has not forsaken him even in his death.

Today has been a day of stirring, of the embers of past memories being fanned and a flame beginning to ignite the pain that I try to keep just beneath the surface so I can survive......it's a survivial skill we grievers have to have to live amongst the living.

Sometimes it works and other times we fail miserably ..... today I will just grieve and remember I am proud to be Bo's Momma and give into the pain of my loss thanking GOD for reminding me of the beauty of that amazing child HE gifted to me and the sound of his heartbeat once again.