Hello Old Friend

Wow! I can't believe how long it has been since I have visited my blog.  It's not that I haven't had anything to write about, it's that I have been to self-obsessed to put it into words.  To afraid that if I take the time to open my heart and mind to everything inside of me, write it down and look at it I will be opening myself up to the wonder of what GOD has done for me and through me.  So much so that I will be unable to breathe or move.

Everyday I find myself moving closer and closer to really living again.  The grief waves still visit the last one came in the quiet of the night and lasted 3 weeks.  I felt like I had a thousand pound weight around my shoulders, crying, sad face, no motivation and ate for comfort.  It was depressing to be around me and to be me.  They will visit again, I don't know when or for how long or what damage they will wreck, but I will make it through that storm just like the last one holding firmly to the hand of GOD as always.

Each grief wave changes me, it shifts something inside of me, it hardens parts of me and opens up other parts that have been closed off to others.  Unless you have experienced this it's hard to understand.  I don't welcome them like an old friend, but I stand firm and face them like a blast of cold winter air and say "I am ready, hit me and let's ride this storm, change me, mold me, make me and I will survive to be stronger for the next one."

Learning the art of living is new to me, I lived before without effort.  With D it was easy, we laughed, we had joy, we argued, we made up, we talked, we shared, we were one.  We danced together, we walked and held hands, we slept together, we ate together, we worshiped together, we were one.  Now I am one and after almost two years, I have danced again, I walk with friends, I mostly eat alone but sometimes with friends, I sleep with Tac and Ollie, I worship with my family, I laugh alone sometimes, but I am not alone, I am ONE, but I am never alone, sometimes lonely, but never alone.

It is okay to start living again in a new and different way.  It is okay to be happy again, it is okay to laugh again, to be joyful again, to dance with a friend, to share secrets with someone other than D.  It is OKAY to be OKAY !  It's a new me in a new world ! I have discovered that I am not beig unfaithful, less loving, less honorable to D by being alive again.  D is living the good life now, he told me before he died that one day I would find a way  to learn to live again and that was what he wanted most for me.  There was no lightning strike, no earth trembling, no revelation shaking movement. 

There has been the quiet, gentle, sweet, soft, loving hand of ABBA slowing  guiding me to this moment so close to D's birthday and his 2 year Heaven date to today.  Oh, I still cry over my loss, the absence of Bo and D's physical presence in my life, but today I am learning to LIVE again.